Follow us
cradled or carried
  • Home
  • Program
    • Promises of Hope
  • THE BEGINNING
  • How You Can Help
    • Support us financially
  • Contact Us

What Cancer Has Taken From Me

11/24/2014

0 Comments

 
What has cancer taken from me:

Laziness

Indifference

The naivete that life will go on forever

What I thought was a clear future

 

What has cancer GIVEN me:

A beautiful scar

Gratitude for time spent with loved ones

The best friends a girl could ask for

An avenue to help others

Even more reasons to throw parties

A guarantee that I will make as many memories as possible with my kids while they’re young

A better listening ear for those struggling with long-term illness

A platform to actually make a difference

A way to finally put my education to work!

The ability to better listen to God’s personal messages for me

Calm about the little things

Peace knowing that it’s ALL little things

Comfort that I know where I’m going when I leave

A renewed sense of making sure my children know Jesus

A deeper love for my husband and kids than ever before

A lens to see the important things before the nonsense

An appreciation for family photos, even the ones where I have a double chin

IRONY OF IRONIES, CANCER HAS GIVEN ME LIFE!!!

0 Comments

what keeps me going?

11/17/2014

1 Comment

 
I get that question a lot, with such a seemingly bleak future full of oncologists.  Well the answer is, "LOTs of things!" My faith, my husband, my kids, my friends, my family. . . .and my music.  I keep a strange mix of inspirational music and songs that make you want to sing and dance on my phone all the time, so if I need them, they are there. And when I need to have a good cry, those songs are there, too.  In those early days after diagnosis, when I would wake up in a panic in the middle of the night, my aunt sent me #12, and I remember laying in my bed, eyes closed, with tears streaming down my face and my phone in my hands.  I put that song on repeat, and it helped me get through.  Here is a peek at my weird mix.  Try not to laugh when you get to the 2nd list. :)

When the day feels long and hard and I need to be reminded there's more to it:
"Starts With Me" Tim Timmons
"Brave" Josh Groban
"Christ In Me" Tim Timmons
"Falling Slowly" Once
"In Christ Alone" Newsboys
"You Never Let Go" Matt Redman
"Made to Love" TobyMac
"Man In The Mirror" Michael Jackson
"Never Alone" BarlowGirl
"Brave" Sara Bareilles
"Our God" Chris Tomlin
"One Thing Remains"
"Overcomer" Mandisa
"Say" John Mayer
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
"Stronger" Mandisa
"Stronger" Kelly Clarkson
"Unwritten" Natasha Bedingfield
"Viva La Vida" ColdPlay
"You Are My King" Newsboys
"Your Great Name" Amy Grant


And when I need to be silly, or sing, or dance: (you might guess which ones are kid-influenced) :)

"Can't Hold Us" Macklemore
"Cups" Anna Kendrick
"Hang On Sloopy" OSU Marching Band (what? I'm a Buckeye!)
"Happy" Pharell
"Hey Soul Sista" Train
"Holla at the DJ" Coco Jones
"I Will Wait" Mumford and Sons
"Just the Way You Are" Bruno Mars
"Let It Go" Frozen Soundtrack
"Mirrors" Justin Timberlake
"No One" Alicia Keys
"Peanut BUtter Jelly Time" Chip-Man and the Buckwheat Boys
"Rollin' in the Deep" Adele
"Shake It Off" Taylor Swift
"Single Ladies" Beyonce
"What Does the Fox Say?" Say Why
"When I Was Your Man" Bruno Mars

What do YOU listen to when you need to get out of a funk?  What music inspires you?  What's on your chemo playlist?




1 Comment

We love you, Brittany

11/11/2014

0 Comments

 
Whether it was her intention or not, Brittany Maynard shined a huge spotlight on not only the conversation about choosing one's own death, but the devastation of brain cancer.  The fear, the poor prognoses, the pain, the disabilities it causes, the hunt for hope.  I say that last, because I don't think Brittany got that far.  I'm not criticizing her in any way; I just think that she got stuck in the fear and pain part of cancer, and I personally believe there is a lot more to it.  In Brittany's case, we will never know---never know how long she may have lived, what joy she could have brought to her friends and family in her final days, despite her own suffering.  I prayed for Brittany when I first learned of her story, and I prayed for her every day, including the day of her death.  I hope in her final moments alone with God, she found peace and light.


I choose a different direction though-----THROUGH.  Through the terror, the fear, the what-ifs, the physical pain, the frustration of the unknown.  I believe that there is more purpose in cancer than a physical ailment, than a medical procedure (or two, or three). I don't believe that it's that black and white.  And if you tread slowly THROUGH all those difficult challenges that come along with cancer, there is even GREATER joy than before cancer, because you have GRATITUDE to go along with it.  You're thankful for EVERYTHING.  Yes, even when your kids are screaming at you because you bought the wrong brand of yogurt, heaven forbid.  Even when your 1-year-old sneezes all the way down the back of your shirt on the way out of the door (True story). EVERYTHING.  You realize that although there is a wonderful life in the hereafter, THIS life has been given to you as a gift.  It's like God tossed you a pretty present and then sat back to see what you're going to do with it. 

What ARE you going to do with it?


0 Comments

Um, who am I?

5/9/2014

1 Comment

 
I was talking with a friend this morning, about haircuts, and the endless search for the perfect hairdresser, and the true stress that a bad haircut or color can cause.  She has beautiful long hair that she has been growing out as an act of solidarity for me, along with several other friends---"Locks for Julie," they call it.  They'll all be getting cuts soon in order to donate their hair for wigs.  (I have the BEST friends!!!!)  Of course, I shaved my head after the hospital gave me a pre-surgery shave on half my head, months ago.  Gone is my long blonde hair, and here is short, currently bright red/auburn hair.  Although I've grown to like it, when I look in the mirror, I still sometimes think, "who IS that?"  It's as though I'm waiting for my hair to come back to normal; it's as though if my hair came back to normal, then I could forget this scary thing called cancer ever happened to our family.  Hair is such a symbol of the lost identity that comes with a cancer diagnosis. 

Sometimes when I'm out alone, such as, at the mall, and my eyes meet someone else's, I wonder what they're thinking.  Is it, "Whoah, that's a bright hair color!  Why did she do that to her hair?"  or is it, "I could never wear my hair that short," or is it, "Gosh that would be really easy to take care of, being that short"?  What is their impression of me, with this very bright hair?  Is the first impression I now leave one of a daring, artsy kind of person, or just of one who doesn't care what people think?  I can tell you this, it's different from before, whatever it is.  With a blonde ponytail  and yoga pants, it was pretty clear that I was a stay-at-home mom; now, with my short hair, I'm more likely to have on makeup and big earrings, and I know that people can't immediately categorize me just on looks.  As my friend and I discussed, right after a drastic cut, you want to run up to people and scream, "THIS IS NOT REALLY ME!!!  THE REAL ME HAS LONG PRETTY HAIR!  I'M JUST LIKE YOU!!!"

But in truth, I can't be the bland mommy that I was before, because it is my job to stand for something now, and I suppose my hair goes along with it.  It's okay with me that in circles of friends, instead of "Julie with the pony tail," I'm now "Julie with the short red hair."  My daughter and I always talk about how God thinks that we are all beautiful, and I think he's okay with a crazy new hair color, too.  :) There are so many changes on the inside, psychologically, emotionally, and physically, I suppose it's okay with me now that they show on the outside.  It's just one component of figuring out the new cancer "normal"--accepting that although you're still you, you're a DIFFERENT you.  I can only hope that DIFFERENT also means BETTER.  :) 




1 Comment

What IS her name?! (The paranoia of cancer)

4/25/2014

1 Comment

 
I recognized her instantly, I knew the names of the people she was with.  I have known her for several years.  Yet when I went to introduce her to the friends I was with, I blanked.  100%, I blanked.  Amy?  No.  Beth?  No.  What IS her name?  I introduced the other people in the party by name to my friends, praying that she would volunteer her own name and I wouldn't look (and feel!) like an idiot.  This was not a mere acquaintance, this was a friend, and I completely could not remember her name.  I'll admit, it freaked me out. 




Then a couple of days later, I was writing an e-mail with instructions on who to contact for various needs of our moms' club.  I got to the last name of one of the ladies, and it happened again.  Blank.  Nothing.  Smith?  No.  Thomas?  No.  Again, this was not someone I had only met once.  I should know this.  I sat for a few minutes, trying to pull it out of my brain. 

But it wasn't there, and it didn't come back. 

I've been tired recently, more than any other time since I started chemo. But I also just came off a vacation to NYC (exhausting), a move (exhausting), and I'm a stay-at-home mom of three toddlers (super exhausting). I've had a couple of small headaches near the site of my surgery.  But I've also been sleeping on that side more often, as I've fallen asleep several times that way while coaxing my 3-year-old to sleep without a paci. 

I could explain it all away, but still. . . ..

Cancer makes you paranoid.  Was I this forgetful with my keys/phone/names BEFORE  brain surgery?  Did I have headaches now and then?  Is the cancer coming back?

Well, I had another date with the MRI machine this week, and no, it is not coming back.  I'm just paranoid.  As my neuro-oncologist said at my appointment, "So what? I'm tired today.  I could shut my eyes and probably fall asleep right now."  Which was both comforting and frustrating, because, of course, chemo tired is a little different than "regular" tired.  Wait, or is it?  What WAS my life like before cancer, chemo, and change? 

I don't really know anymore.  It's just part of my life.  It's part of every day, even if I manage to file it in the back of my mind, I'm reminded about it each night for a few moments when I take my pills.  But this week, I am reminded of the importance of doing just that: filing it away in the BACK of the cabinet.  It's kind of like a document, say, your marriage license for example, that you have to keep forever, but you don't need to look at it every day.  File it away, don't forget what it means, how it changed you, but let that file get dusty!! 

1 Comment

What do you want?

2/25/2014

0 Comments

 
Wow,three months have gone by since I've written here---it's hard to believe!  The amount of love, support, and donations that have been shown and given to Cradled or Carried has been overwhelming.  I humbly say "thank you."

Three months has held Thanksgiving, Christmas, my wedding anniversary (and vow renewal!), New Year's, my birthday (36--woohoo!), and Valentine's Day.  So many wonderful moments to cherish and hold onto, even more than before.  Three months also has held two more MRI scans for me, both of which showed no progression.  Go chemo, go! :)

Unfortunately, these past several weeks there have been funerals to attend.  One, a young boy gone to heaven at the age of three; another, a young woman who passed on with cancer; two more, a high school friend's beloved family members, taken by a terrible tragedy.  It's strange to me, in a way, how your perspective on death changes once you've looked it right in the face.  (We're talking, I could count his/her pores, we were so close.) :)  I can't help thinking that, although, of course it is horribly sad, and sometimes tragic, when we lose a loved one, it is, over and over again, an opportunity for self-examination. 

Did the doctor tell you that you only had X number of months, years to live? So what. How do they know?

Did the doctor tell you that your cancer is stage 3? stage 4? So what.  What if they're wrong?

The truth is, you NEVER know, even when they doctors think they know, even when well-meaning friends and family members think they know, THEY DON'T KNOW.  And neither do you.  So what are you going to do with this life you've been given?  Breathe the fresh air, give a friendly smile, show love to those around you, or sit at home and let cancer defeat you?  I know, there are days you are so physically sick from your treatment, it's all you can do to get out of bed. I know how scary it can be, trust me.  I know that panic in your chest when you're diagnosed and your world seems to be that of a dream.  But if you could find the strength within you (I know you can!) to stand up, and make a difference in someone else's life today, it will make this one, and the next, and the next, more worth living, I promise. What do you want?

 I promise. Do it. 







0 Comments

Hair

11/24/2013

1 Comment

 
When I had long hair, did I wake up every morning and as part of my morning prayer, thank God for my thick, wavy, healthy hair?  Um, no.  I should have, but I didn't.

In fact, quite the opposite---I completely abused my hair!  I've had it chin-length to almost-waist-length, and everything in between.  I've had highlights, lowlights, brown, blonde, and green (oops).  I've curled it, straightened it, crimped it, over-hair-sprayed it, complained about it, and in, recent years, yanked it back into a pony tail and some days I didn't even bother to wash it. 

This morning I woke up and for those first few moments felt like the "old" me.  I could have sworn that I had long hair stretched out across my pillow.  For five full seconds, until I reached my hand up to my head, my long, blonde hair was there.  And oh, how sad I was when I was reminded that no, I have very short, reddish brown hair now.  It's maybe an inch and a half long all over.  But then, again, as always, I was reminded of what a blessing it is that I even HAVE hair, That it grew back to cover my enormous scar, and how silly it is, that in the scheme of all I've been through, that I was momentarily sad about hair, of all things.  There are bigger problems, Jules, there are bigger problems!

Short hair is an excuse to wear bigger earrings, I think.  :)
xoxo
Julie

For more ideas on post-chemo/treatment hair, see my Pinterest board "It will grow back": click here
1 Comment

Inspiration

11/22/2013

1 Comment

 
When I was first diagnosed, I started a quote board in my kitchen, and my lovely Moms club friends later gave me a jar full of little slips of paper with quotes on it too, and now and then I pull out a new one. Some are a little more serious, some are funny.  I'll be sure to share my favorites here on the blog.  I also keep a board on Pinterest of favorites---we are under the username CradledCarried.
For today a couple that make me smile:
"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning
the devil says,
 "Oh crap.  She's up."
and
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Except for bears.
Bears will kill you."
:)
1 Comment

Late Nights Aren't What They Used To Be :)

11/20/2013

3 Comments

 
Here it is 10 PM (I know, that's probably really not that late to some of you!), and instead of going out, or watching TV, I've spent the last hour and a half going in, then back in, then in again, to my children's rooms. 

"I have to go potty!" one yelled.
"I need a drink!" one yelled.
"Waaaaa!" one yelled.  (She's only 5 months old.) :0)
"My hangnail REALLY hurts!" the first one yelled again. (Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up!)

Yes, it has been a little frustrating, and I did have to use my "Mommy" voice, but at the same time, it's different than it used to be.  I am so glad, even after a very frustrating day like today, to be their Mommy, and to be here with them.  It's WAY better than any club I went to back in the day.  :)

xoxo
Julie
3 Comments

Cradled or Carried work retreat!

11/16/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
Now this is what I call a work retreat! Exciting things are happening at cradledorcarried.org soon!
0 Comments

    Author

    Julie Anne Lovegrove is the founder of Cradled or Carried. 
    For more,
    visit Julie's Story.

    Archives

    November 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    February 2014
    November 2013

    Categories

    All
    Hair

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.