Then a couple of days later, I was writing an e-mail with instructions on who to contact for various needs of our moms' club. I got to the last name of one of the ladies, and it happened again. Blank. Nothing. Smith? No. Thomas? No. Again, this was not someone I had only met once. I should know this. I sat for a few minutes, trying to pull it out of my brain.
But it wasn't there, and it didn't come back.
I've been tired recently, more than any other time since I started chemo. But I also just came off a vacation to NYC (exhausting), a move (exhausting), and I'm a stay-at-home mom of three toddlers (super exhausting). I've had a couple of small headaches near the site of my surgery. But I've also been sleeping on that side more often, as I've fallen asleep several times that way while coaxing my 3-year-old to sleep without a paci.
I could explain it all away, but still. . . ..
Cancer makes you paranoid. Was I this forgetful with my keys/phone/names BEFORE brain surgery? Did I have headaches now and then? Is the cancer coming back?
Well, I had another date with the MRI machine this week, and no, it is not coming back. I'm just paranoid. As my neuro-oncologist said at my appointment, "So what? I'm tired today. I could shut my eyes and probably fall asleep right now." Which was both comforting and frustrating, because, of course, chemo tired is a little different than "regular" tired. Wait, or is it? What WAS my life like before cancer, chemo, and change?
I don't really know anymore. It's just part of my life. It's part of every day, even if I manage to file it in the back of my mind, I'm reminded about it each night for a few moments when I take my pills. But this week, I am reminded of the importance of doing just that: filing it away in the BACK of the cabinet. It's kind of like a document, say, your marriage license for example, that you have to keep forever, but you don't need to look at it every day. File it away, don't forget what it means, how it changed you, but let that file get dusty!!